Well yeah maybe bad memories are nice too.

I'll take a stroll along a nice breezy place at night after tomorrow. Maybe dip my toes into the sea water. Or lay by the water front with my eyes closed. If only there were mountains in Singapore. And winter.

What used to be

We always rush to take photos on graduation, whenever we meet up with our mates just to make sure we'll remember those moments xx years down the road.

Watching the videos from my childhood makes me want to do the same in the future. The only reason why I take photos and videos is for this sole purpose. Actually, if it's something important we wouldn't even forget it (Just like intense dreams). If they're memories with people we aren't close to, do we really need to remember "WE USED TO BE CLOSE"?

Reminiscing the past makes us happy. I feel a sense of loss at times, when I do not dare to ask certain people for pictures. So I'll write about our day out in my diary.

Memories - good/bad. They're definitely things we won't want to forget. We KNOW they put a smile on our faces, make us reflect (just like many other things do). Why, exactly, do we treasure it so much?

Any good, detailed, answer to 'why' with substantiation?

Maybe I kind of like who I am right now.
Different. But I like it.
I like how I didn't tell myself to be this way.

I'm the person I never wanted to be. Rather, liked to be.
I've always wanted to be dark and unpredictable. Well, ha ha.

And hopefully almost rid of that annoying dependent side.

-

Though I must say, a part of me is wavering.
Who can we really trust? Even if lies are just white lies?

Me and my strange freaky dreams O:

Aya Nagatomi - Beethoven Pathetique mvt. 1

My favourite interpretation of this piece, even better than Claudio Arrau's. I honestly felt the goosebumps. Her fingers are very light on the keys on the fast notes, I especially liked her pause at 1:56. At around 0:49, the contrast between the "question" "answer" part is really good. I like it from1:14 onwards. The contrast, I liked it alot. And the notes were really soft, clean, each note was played with emotion.

From 4:30 onwards.
The transition from 6:15 to 6:30


I can see that she has really analysed the music, I should do so next time.

Drop dead tired.

Sometimes you look at photos you can't relate much to
but you know there's a story behind it
that looks quite pretty anyway. Or not.


(whisper in her ears:
this will be the last time you can feel my breath so close to you.
We are already far too happy together.
Leave, before we get entangled.

I read the future from the present,
as blinded as I may be.
These words, 'not meant to be')

--------

I hear my heart, but (try not to) listen to it.
(unless any wrong decision wouldn't 'kill')

I see with my head, (try to) understand it's a better option.

The enticing smell of excitement, exhilaration, spontaneity, how long will it last before it crumbles upon a light touch without a solid foundation? Attraction between two from great moments together does not conclude (love they call it), but the things (I call it interest) the two love that hold them together as well. Well.. is it?

There might not even be such a thing on earth you can find.

---

Let your heart speak, but don't follow it.
Let not your mind control or dictate either.

It's your head which knows what your heart wants
that should decide what you do.

---

(taken during coursework. I miss it.)

And today, I listen(ed) to and attempted:

Beethoven Pathétique (Sonata no. 8 in C minor op. 13,
Chopin Nocturne in E-flat major Op. 9 no.2,
Chopin Nocturne in C-sharp minor Op. Posthumous.

and wonder(ed) what I would do if I lived overseas without my piano
and the music in my computer. Or in my head.

(I killed it because it was dying)

It's a good day for no reason at all. I mean it when I say 'no reason at all'. So they say I'm strange. Very strange.

We had a project meeting, I drew. Everything on my playlist sounds great (because there's classical and jazz, and I would've liked everything anyway, since it's not a gloomy day).

Oh, but there's one thing. Nobody is to call me babe unless you're so close to me that I don't mind. Well if there's nothing you say that I agree with yet I still love you, feel free to call me babe. Or if you're Syai cause she's the only one who calls me that, I think. Or if you're an acquaintance or harmless stranger who doesn't know me. If not, don't call me babe please. Baby sounds better but it should be reserved for my other half in xxx years to come.

-

And because it's a good day and flowers are pretty:

They're all from almost the same angles because I can't take it from the side view. Because my table is far too messy. Took them a few days ago, it is now brown and droopy. Ready to join its yellow companion in flower heaven soon, I suppose.









--------


Alison Krauss - What'll I do

Love this rendition. Mona Lisa Smile soundtrack does not have any horrible tracks AT ALL.

-


Vivaldi The Four Seasons - spring (adapted for 4 pianos)

First time hearing this piece on the piano (no, four pianos). Yuja Wang's fingers are quite insane, if you check out her other performances. Especially flight of the bumblebee, Cziffra's arrangement.

In a mood for classical music today because they were playing Mendelssohn's Piano Concerto no. 1 on Okto, which I liked. The second movement, in particular:


Mendelssohn Piano concerto no. 1 in G minor: Andante

-

I finally did some rational thinking. I must not be dependent at all. There must be plans for the whole year and I will not sit and hope for things to happen. So. Back to work.

I feel sad today. And lost. Can't even find a song to suit my mood.
I need something to brighten my day.
But the sky's already dark. And I don't know what can.

Flash red, numbers. Pale blue, black words. And squares.

Here I go again. Next week's approaching.

Drowned in the noises, I still have not realised what is the real problem here. The reason why I keep running away. Or maybe I don't even need to know the reason. Is it just fear alone?

I operate as an individual.
The people around me operate as individuals.
We come together. I wonder if we do mix.

-


Crystal Castles - Not in Love (ft. Robert Smith from The Cure)

Don't usually listen to music like this but I'm hooked after playing it a few times. I think it's this weird experimental mix along with the repetition of the lines "I'm not in love", "We are not in love".

How do I put it? It's an interesting mix of sounds with such lyrics. When they repeat those lines, you know the person is trying so hard to convince himself of it. You'll find yourself nodding to the music, the precise action you find people doing when they want to get away from some kind of reality (eg. after consuming drugs). Shaking them thoughts away, getting drowned in the music, dancing in a crowd of people you don't know.

- not saying I can relate to all of it -

I love the repetition of lyrics (in any song).

(Stranger) than ever

Suddenly wish I were sad/depressed right now. All the smiley faces make me feel like I'm growing.. down (not up). Not feeling enough won't make you think as much either.

All my thinking doesn't go beyond analysis of the outside world, what happened to myself? I'm slowly coping with things. I like it in a way for it is more organized and less heartbreaking, but am I losing myself?

--

Am I? I gave myself this chance to be myself, and today I realised it's not only because I let myself be. I thought about it and.. it wouldn't have been the same if it were somebody less straightforward. It saves me the agony of wondering what the other party is thinking (of me/the situation)

Amazingly, I discovered that straightforward part of myself too. I break down words/actions/feelings into sense and reason but I can still be simple with my words. And the thoughts I want to convey.

And I am really amazed that I appear to have confidence when I let myself be myself. If you think about it, that is what confidence really is. Nothing else. And I'm glad. But I have to remind myself to not get lost in it, because I cannot and will not allow myself to. Stay a stranger in my eyes and I will remind myself every day.

--

Through the frustration between myself and others as I try to think from everybody's perspective which actually ruins the communication, I learnt I should first say what I want before trying to make things work. And not to keep it in till I burst all of a sudden.



Kina Graniss - Valentine

Not in a Valentine's mood, but an acquaintance posted this on facebook and I thought it was a really nice song melody-wise. I still can't appreciate simple and romantic lovey-dovey lyrics yet.

noisy music kind of drowns me out. but they don't drown out my thoughts cause I can kind of think. They just drown *me*

Synesthesia

Been reading about Synesthesiae and dreams (not related).

-

I'm going to make a list of my favourite things soon!

-


Paula Abdul - Rush, rush

A friend recommended this a few months ago.
I like it, can't listen to it for too many times though.



Grizzly Bear - Two weeks

I didn't know I actually have the album Veckatimest in my computer.. anyway this one's good!

drafts

I am afraid you'll be a friend in time to come. Very little time, in fact. I need us to stay as strangers. If not, I'll start worrying about losing a friend and unconsciously avoid doing things that will garner your disapproval. Not anybody else's but yours, so it's somewhat like fitting into a jar. That won't do, I won't fully be myself. Allowing myself to be me is one of the greatest reasons why we're talking - and I've surprised myself many times so far. I want this to continue, for me to not fear any kind of silence between us, or differences.

The very fact that I'm thinking about this worries me. I need this friendship to be a selfish need of mine, for it to be a chance to realise myself, the person I can truly be. Because I cannot allow myself to be lost in it, I'm not supposed to. And suddenly I reminded myself: it'll only work if we're both being ourselves - so are you?

No wait. I've got it.

I know I can't run if I start to get lost in it, I know the hurt and I will not do it to anyone else. I can't simply say "okay I'll give this friendship a miss" because it isn't just about our friendship. it's the fact that THIS friendship will help me be who I want to be.

Honestly, I have to get over this. A way to be myself even though we're friends and not strangers. Hopefully I'll learn something from this and have the confidence to say what is on my mind in front of my friends and (future) friends too. That is the entire point of this.

Vday with the girls :D The fact that there's only 5 of us here reminds me of how we're really growing up and this might be our last time celebrating valentine's together, with some of them going overseas soon. And the fact that we're at this place instead of shokudo 2 years ago. Now valentine's isn't about sweets and notes and flowers, but the people you spend it with. I miss those days in Secondary school where we run around passing presents to each other though.

Really great ambiance last night, I just wish we had more time together :( There was barely enough time to warm up.


Talking about great ambiance, here's the coolest perfume shop on earth, ever. The guy dipped the strip into one called "sweet dreams", and there were rows of bottles of oil-based scents. Exotic, I like.

Ella Fitzgerald - Someone to watch over me

Koji Tamaki - Ikanaide 行かないで

Sad and haunting. And I swear I can hear the sound of falling stars. (picture a falling star as it touches the surface of the water, ripples around it) The melody was used for Jacky Cheung's 李香兰, if anybody is familiar with it.

No really this one is worth a click on the button.


For reference, 李香兰. 呂方 and 張學友 duet.

Exploring Singapore~

Emotions disappear when we understand our wants and reasons we are enraged/disappointed etc.

When you see ourselves going through certain emotions,

we ask ourselves why, to understand ourselves and we'll find out that these strong emotions will disappear. In a certain sense, the world isn't that complicated when you're able to analyse the purpose, reason of someone's action. Their thoughts and past events that have affected them.

While I attempt to find out the different reasons why people pen down their thoughts, I will not force myself to write or stop myself from doing so. Afterall, the aim of a blog is to satisfy the need in us. There is still a need for me to get certain recognition and agreement, there isn't a need for me to suppress it.

There is a diminishing need to write here,

because there really isn't that much of a point of letting people know who I am, when I have things clearly sorted in my mind. Is the intention of writing purely to find someone who understands me, to gain recognition?

Where's the line between showing off and modesty?

The Brothers Four - Greenfield

Anna I think you'll like this
they remind me of Simon & Garfunkel

This was playing over the soundsystem in the old video of us when we were young (and still in hongkong). It'd make a good movie soundtrack - a memory of a couple with a glass of wine in their hands, slowly waltzing across the carpeted living room, yellow lighting, beautiful red dress swishing around.

-

My parents and I talked a lot the past two days. This blog is starting to sound empty and a little meaningless because they don't hold much of my thoughts anymore.. or do they? We played with the nine type personality test and had discussions about many things. Giving, Past, facades. I wish he didn't have to work over there, having him over for 11 days sounds great enough, but it definitely isn't.

-

Yahui came over for a reunion dinner with my family yesterday. We had dinner with my brother over the webcam (breakfast for him over in sweden). Honestly, I don't miss him that much cause he's always a call away and skype is so convenient. Technology is quite amazing.

My mom would have worried herself to death with a son overseas 50 years ago where the only form of communication are letters - they take forever to get to your mailbox.


B&J from sweden




:D




Paramore - the only exception

Hooked onto this and other brothers four songs this week.

Must be the news of my cousin's new baby.

Last night, I dreamt I had another baby and we were shopping at bugis. My mom helped me keep it in my wardrobe after that. All of a sudden I remembered having another baby from a dream quite some time ago (but when you're dreaming, everything's real). so I asked her where it is. Apparently it was hidden at the bottom of my wardrobe, a young healthy baby around a year old though it's only the second time I'm dreamt of him.

Sorry, but every time (just twice) I dream of having babies it freaks me out like crazy. The usual "can I throw it awayyyyy" thought. Even though we were watching videos of us when I was 2 and my brother, 8 and I thought it was quite cute.

Well, I met two people in school last year.

I met you, and you.
I'll talk about you today.
Why do I bother to write this when I honestly don't feel a thing anymore?
Because it's fun to remember, I guess.


I found out
There are other people on earth like you
and other souls who have been hurt too.
(not anymore)
Perhaps you don't want to be like that either

Still so desperate for love,
blowing hot and cold.
(to others)
Though I'm sure life must be painful for you too.
You can't stop your feelings,
emotions,
love,
lust
(in the future),
anger.
Can you?

You've always been the one in control, anyway.
I don't like it.
Free yourself of the guilt now,
(you can't)
I know you're still holding onto it, a little.
for yourself.
(you think remembering will solve problems?)
You're afraid of yourself,
your heart?
Your fleeting emotions?
Will guilt actually change you?

You have every right to blame it on your heart,
you do.
Just find yourself a brain
and you'll do fine.

----
I know you won't ever read this anyway.

My initial plan was to log in and delete the hate post, now I won't because it's part of me, anyway.

Something helped me discover they joy of being myself without a care of how I look in others' eyes, and whether or not I will accepted. I feel at ease, with a song on repeat. I like putting songs on repeat because it puts you in a comfortable environment, no need for adaptation. The music is your environment.

The day's much greater with some peace and quiet, all alone at home. Before that, I played the role of a teacher for awhile and it was surprisingly interesting. Watching you play, only occasionally pointing out some things because you do know what you have to play. Not a thread of annoyance but honestly you read the notes fast enough and well. Then we played, one on the piano and one on the guitar. Nothing too great, and we didn't get to talk much throughout but it was fun :)

Although there were moments where I didn't know what to do alone on a day where everybody is out visiting, it didn't feel lonely. Boredom at the very most before I cooked a meal for myself, but nothing more.

By the way, I cooked soba, miso soup and vegetables in wine for myself, decorated with vegetables to resemble a bunny and a face. Only because it looked too plain before.

Hmm.. too much unnecessary hate in the previous post.

I feel like I am either be a man (girl) of no words, or a person with lots of it. Lots of it without remembering what sensitivity is, none when I actually remember what sensitivity is. Where's the middle ground for me?

HATE POST FOR CHINESE NEW YEAR.
I hate it and it's okay if you don't.

I swear I enjoyed myself a lot when my mom's friends and their children (which are my friends) came over to celebrate. Card games, singing, food.

Maybe I wouldn't have time to think of all these if I spent most of my time visiting, having fun. But I don't have to visit.

-

Now what is a festival, is it defined by the things we do? It really isn't much of the meaning behind it anymore, is it?

We might as well give red packets to people when we're feeling kind, not because we have to follow a tradition many don't understand the point of. We might as well bake tarts and cookies and share it with others when we really want to.

Cook the food whenever you want to eat it then. My dad says it's the memories attached to it that makes it special.. okay, takes away a little hate for it.

If it's a chance for relatives to meet up, we might as well really PLAN a family gathering, hold it on a saturday or sunday where people have to make an effort to turn up because it's for the family? Do people think about traditions anymore? Isn't it just another public holiday for working adults, convenient for family dinners?

-

Bai nian?

You have to say the same old four-word phrases that existed for thousands of years to adults before getting your ang pao, so meaningless. Not like you know them well or anything, and all you ever get is "zhu ni xue ye jin bu".

Then you exchange the "hehh we have nothing much to say, just that the job is for me to receive the money and you (the adult) to give it to me. That's all."

I don't mind not having the money if I didn't have to do it, but I don't have a choice to not take it anyway.

-

People visit relatives we wouldn't even talk to if not for this festival, I honestly don't get the point in doing so.

-

紅包s are supposed to ward off bad luck but honestly, the main point to everyone now is the money and not the purpose of it.

Might as well call it a festival of money falling from the sky, excuses for adults and kids to eat till they gain a kilogram more, and chances for shops/producers to reap profits?

I think it's stupid for adults to spend on presents (unhealthy food) and give it to each other, it's not even something we need. All a whole bunch of traditions where not a lot of people appreciate or understand anymore. What's the point of celebrating such festivals when the meaning is lost?

-

I don't HATE all the things we do during Chinese new year, because who the hell doesn't enjoy food, money trees, overnight games and such? I just hate how it's a bloody festival where we're just going through the motions.

It's not like we don't KNOW the meaning behind these things, but do we really THINK about them as we do it? No, because we're more or less "forced" to because it's RUDE not to follow these traditions (this generation doesn't care much about).

Awesomewoahsome day yesterday :D

Craziness randomness and ourselvesness
is so
awesome

it's great to be like kids once in a while.

--

You won't be angry with someone if you understand why s/he's feeling that way.